Just had to lay down the law at home. New sign in the kitchen:
Compost – Frequently Asked Questions
What is compost?
Compost is organic matter that has been decomposed and recycled for use as fertiliser.
Where does it belong?
Outside. There’s a bin set up specially to contain it. It’s called “the compost bin”.
But I generate compost in the kitchen. What can I put the compost in, inside the house?
You can’t. Compost is decomposed organic matter. Organic matter in the kitchen that has started to decompose is called “rotting food” and you ought to be ashamed of yourself.
OK, you tedious pedant – what can I store the waste organic matter in that I generate in the kitchen?
A soup or pasta bowl.
That seems rather anally specific. Why a porcelain bowl?
Unlike a plastic tub, it’s easily cleaned in the dishwasher. Do not use a plastic tub. You know who else used plastic tubs? Hitler used plastic tubs.
Sometimes I generate more organic waste than can fit in a bowl.
So go outside and empty the bowl. Then you can start filling it right up again.
That’s boring. Can’t I use a large plastic tub instead?
Now who’s taking the piss?
Can I use more than one bowl?
No. As soon as the bowl is full, you must put the contents in the compost bin.
If I don’t fill the bowl right up, can I leave it there until it is full for, like, days?
How long can it sit there on the bench top?
Two hours, max. Less, if it’s a hot day.
What? Two hours? Shit.
Yep, two hours. Max. Put it in the bin.
But that’s all the way outside.
It’s called indoor/outdoor living. It’s all the rage.
But it’s all the way outsiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide.
It takes forty-seven seconds to walk to the compost bin and back. I timed it.
OK, if I only use one bowl, can I keep filling it and piling stuff on top until it’s overflowing and there’s just a large pile of crap with a bowl probably located somewhere underneath it all, only you can’t see it for the day old porridge and mouldy bread and flies?
If I break any of the above rules by using a big plastic tub or just piling waste material on top until it’s a stinking food garbocalypse, will it make it all better if I just put the thing in the sink instead of leaving on the bench top?
Oh, for fuck’s sake.
What happens if I break the rules?
I will throw the whole horrible mess in the garbage when I see it. If I’m in a bad mood I’ll probably throw the tub in with it.
This is bullshit.
Forty. Seven. Seconds.
I hate you.
I can live with that.